January of this year, I felt like I was in the desert. I felt like I had walked in circles, completely lost. It caused me to rest in places that harmed me, and I never stopped worrying. I drained myself of passion, forcing myself to “power through” my troubles. I then was brought to a place that I could not simply run through. I was broken.
I ran to where I knew comfort was, thinking I was going to met with discipline. Instead, I was met with over-powering compassion. Unlike any sort of rest I had before, I was filled with supernatural peace. I prayed it would not stop, but did not remember that I had to keep up my end of the deal too.
I feel wrestled to the ground. After finally growing sick of wandering, I gave in to what I know would truly fill me, only to immediately lose important fights and start running back into the desert. I know exactly what I’ve fallen into. I know it won’t ever bring me rest. I know that wandering will leave my soul destitute and failed. But, it is the story of this year. It has not been the worst, but it’s been the hardest.
I’ve learned more about myself, and how to treat others. I’ve also learned about lawsuits, freelance, love, intentionality, friendships, forgiveness, mental illness and suicide. I know there will be harder, but my final goal for this year, is to take a breath. I want to mirror who I was made for.